The Best Multivitamins for Vampires

Orthorexia. Doesn’t that sound like the name of a sensuous, evil vampire? Orthorexia nervosa is the technical term, and it’s actually an eating disorder, not a vampire.

But, that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about Elizabeth Bathery, one of the first real vampires. She wasn’t a real vampire in the sense that she actually lived forever, didn’t cast a shadow, and had fangs. But she did, in fact, suck people’s blood. The blood of young virgin girls, more specifically. Elizabeth Bathery ran a school for privelidged upper class girls in the late 15th century. When young girls began disapearing from the school, the authorities looked into the matter and found Bathery was slaughtering the children and bathing in their blood in an attempt to maintain her youth. And that’s not a legend, it actually happened. You’d be hard pressed to find someone today who would believe such a story, but there is actual documentation of the trial and hanging of this legendary horror figure. No doubt, much of today’s modern mythology about vampires comes from the tales and details of this uncanny Elizabeth Bathery.

Part of having a vampire blog means commenting on vampire literature.

Dracula = awesome

Anne Rice = fairly awesome

Stephen King = double awesome

Christopher Moore = …

Christopher Moore is the pop lit author of several hip vampiric comic, horror novels. Or, as I like to call them, horridies. His flagship is “You Suck: a love story” The book starts off with enough pep to be a medium cool skit on a Kids in the Hall show. Unfortunately, the silly nightwalker routine quickly drowns in its own winkiness.

Parody is as much of an art as…well…art. It’s a shame that parody isn’t taken seriously in modern comic lit. Moore assumes simply because his lit is parody, it should be funny. But the concept of angsty love-struck vampires doesn’t hold up enough to keep me chuckling for 300 pages, there’s got to be actual meat to the story. And this novel has unfortunately been sucked dry of plot.

In the 80’s the Zucker brothers made a hilarious movie called “Airplane!” The film was high parody, slapstick and physical. But the film also nailed down the absurdity of the culture of the time. Today the Zucker’s are involved with the ” ____ Movie!” franchise. Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie. They still employ the same slapstick humor, but now the social commentary is entirely missing. The movies are empty chuckles. Moore had a chance to be Airplane! but instead he just wrote the “_____” of the next “_____ Novel!”

And now for my two links:

How to deal with stress has a bunch of stress relief tips.

How to relieve stress is a website about…well….take a fucking guess.