You see where I’m going with this, right? How can vampires get their vitamin D if they are never exposed to the sun?

Multivitamins, that’s how. Most of us don’t take multivitamin (though we should) and we never know the difference, because we eek by nutritionally the natural way, through what we eat and what we do (spend time in the sun, even the video game playing nerd gets at least 15 minutes of sunlight a day.

A good multivitamin fills in the gaps humans don’t get naturally.

Unfortunately vampires have much more gaps. Aside from not getting any vitamin D in a day’s time. They lack many other nutrients offered up by fruits and vegetables simply because they diet only on blood.

Sure, blood is high in iron, protein, and those wonderful omega 3 fatty acids. Blood is a great part of the paleo diet, it doesn’t have carbs, so vampires don’t have to worry about gaining the flubbery love handles that so many sugar gulping Starbucks moms have to constantly hit the gym to keep off.

But what about vitamin C? Or that energy producing nutrient CoQ10, or extremely importantly, calcium?

Vampires lack all these essential nutrients, and it’s for that reason above any other that vampires should invest a good portion of their monthly income too good nutrient supplementation.    

It’s a vampire mash, and vitamins are scattered across the halls like so much blood congealed into little capsules.

Vampires feast on nutritional goodness like so many babes sucking at mothers’ teat. It’s a wild catechism of splendorous, lustful, gorging. Like so many splendorous ballroom dances.

The little children are screaming like so many ravens hung out to dry, still alive and boiling in the pie.

The gruesome hordes gather outside the dusty hall, bickering and grumbling like so many cattle at the rein, weighting for their chance to bray and smatter the newly picked.

The newly weds beg for life extension, eternal life extension, like so many others have before, only to receive, juicy, red death. The ladies at the washboard scrub like so many muscle men scrubbing their own washboard abs in bath tubs.

And the wolf howls for the best multivitamin where no vitamin lingers. It’s a trap!

But, that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about Elizabeth Bathery, one of the first real vampires. She wasn’t a real vampire in the sense that she actually lived forever, didn’t cast a shadow, and had fangs. But she did, in fact, suck people’s blood. The blood of young virgin girls, more specifically. Elizabeth Bathery ran a school for privelidged upper class girls in the late 15th century. When young girls began disapearing from the school, the authorities looked into the matter and found Bathery was slaughtering the children and bathing in their blood in an attempt to maintain her youth. And that’s not a legend, it actually happened. You’d be hard pressed to find someone today who would believe such a story, but there is actual documentation of the trial and hanging of this legendary horror figure. No doubt, much of today’s modern mythology about vampires comes from the tales and details of this uncanny Elizabeth Bathery.

Dracula = awesome

Anne Rice = fairly awesome

Stephen King = double awesome

Christopher Moore = …

Christopher Moore is the pop lit author of several hip vampiric comic, horror novels. Or, as I like to call them, horridies. His flagship is “You Suck: a love story” The book starts off with enough pep to be a medium cool skit on a Kids in the Hall show. Unfortunately, the silly nightwalker routine quickly drowns in its own winkiness.

Parody is as much of an art as…well…art. It’s a shame that parody isn’t taken seriously in modern comic lit. Moore assumes simply because his lit is parody, it should be funny. But the concept of angsty love-struck vampires doesn’t hold up enough to keep me chuckling for 300 pages, there’s got to be actual meat to the story. And this novel has unfortunately been sucked dry of plot.

In the 80’s the Zucker brothers made a hilarious movie called “Airplane!” The film was high parody, slapstick and physical. But the film also nailed down the absurdity of the culture of the time. Today the Zucker’s are involved with the ” ____ Movie!” franchise. Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie. They still employ the same slapstick humor, but now the social commentary is entirely missing. The movies are empty chuckles. Moore had a chance to be Airplane! but instead he just wrote the “_____” of the next “_____ Novel!”

And now for my two links:

How to deal with stress has a bunch of stress relief tips.

How to relieve stress is a website about…well….take a fucking guess.

“Why thankyou,” said Safrina. She turned and gave Quetzalcastrah a toothy grin. Still full of freckles this one.

“Oh just you wait,” said the vampire lord, “I can offer you multivitamins like you’ve never tasted. Your knowledge of vitamin information will be limitless, neverending nutrition.

The night was black and starless and Quetzalcastrah could smell the lingering orac value on the finder tips of the young maiden.

“You’ve been offered supplements by another, you wreak of his antioxidant power,” said Quetzalcastrah. So he bit her and turned her into a vampire. The End.

He was an awesome vampire. The End.